Rough Cut Crit and feedback from my assigned mentor - Matthew Lewis
09/05/13 This is the rough cut crit that we had to present in class today. I incorporated Paul Chung's feedback and also suggestions from my session with Brad Silby and Emma Ewing.
Its much shorter and clearer now. The general opinion was that I'm headed in the right direction and that I should keep going.
10/05/13 I met my mentor Matt Lewis today and showed him my rough cut. He gave me some wonderfully detailed feedback on my short:
"Shot1: Swap the walk cycle for the other one that you showed me.
Shot2: I'd have him look up as he walks along and then stop, rather than stopping and then looking up as the latter suggests he was planning to go to the shop already.
Shot4: Start with his hand closer to his wallet, and his head looking up. The previous shot was showing his viewpoint so it's a bit jarring to see him looking at something else straight after. He could have got his wallet out whilst looking at the sign but not already be looking at the money. I'd also get rid of the head nod before the shoulder shrug. More than one gesture here will look very busy.
Shot5: As I mentioned the camera move looks quite artificial to me so I'd either avoid it or replace it with something simpler like a slight zoom.
Shot6: I think you need a gesture between feeling his face and looking at the board to emphasise his realisation/frustration at what just happened. Clenching his fist in anger for example.
Shot9: As he falls, have him translating forward a bit to show he still has momentum. Have the camera overshoot briefly and then come back. As if the cameraman didn't expect him to fall down the hole
Shot10: Avoid having both arms doing the same actions simultaneously. I'd have him wipe his face with his forearm and then briefly touch his mouth with his other hand.
Shot11: I'd suggest having him step into shot so that you could see his arm and part of his back. You could then start the next shot's action in this one and they would flow better together.
Shot12: Start with his hand deep in his pocket, leaning over as he rummages around for the money.
Shot15: Love his expression in this and the gusto with which he eats the ice cream. I'd arch his back a little so his shoulders where further back and there was more of a curve to his spine. For continuity with the next shot, he should look slightly to the side when he notices the woman, rather than straight ahead.
Shot17: Really like the way you've conveyed the woman's surprise turning into disgust so quickly. Good work. I'd say the shot should finish with her looking back at her book though.
Shot18: Rather than dropping off because he held it out too long, I think it should come off as the result of a second more insistent offering. I.e He should jab the cone towards her. As it is, this shot is a bit dull as you have to wait so long for something to happen. It's a key part of the story so you have to make sure that you've got the viewer's attention.
Shot19: Her reaction is good but it should be more instantaneous. you'd feel the cold ice cream before you saw it. Shot20: I don't think this shot is needed. It's quite clear what's happened so you don't need the close up of the ice cream to explain it.
Shot22: Have his eyes darting about so that he looks panicked. Also have him start to lean back and draw himself in so that his body language looks less open even though he's still smiling.
Shot25: The camera should be much closer in on the old lady in this shot and for continuity, the two characters should be closer together. I'd start with the main character stepping into shot.
Shot26: You need to show the collision between the stick and foot in this shot.
Shot27: His fall is good but the old lady has to be visible in this shot as well. Though she could be stepping back out of shot, recoiling from the collision with her stick.
Shot28: He needs to rebound more from his fall and the old lady should be still reacting to him tripping over her stick at the start of the shot.
Shot29: He should go to a different position after he's been trodden on.
Shot30: I don't think the woman should pause before hitting him with the ice cream. It would have more force if her stepping in and the jab with the ice cream where all one fluid movement. She could also turn with a flourish and walk off primly. I'd also suggest angling the main character so that more of his face is visible. You can also cut this slightly before he's completely out of shot.
Shot34: Rather than punching the wall have him brace his hand against it so that he can fling the door open with force."
I feel really grateful for the feedback and can't wait to incorporate these changes. Although there might not be enough time to do everything that was suggested, but I'll try to do my best!